Alright ... I havent written for nearly two weeks! I have plenty of excuses ... the main one being what I mentioned last time. My fear of writing something that may offend, hurt or embarrass. Well -- forget that. I wouldn't be a great writer if I let things like those stop me ... for long.

The other day I started to remember a LOT of really shitty things that happened to me in my early impressionable years. On two different days in completely different surroundings, I kept smelling an overly sweet and memorable perfume. The memories and feelings attached came roaring back.

In 4th grade I was molested by a fellow class mate. Yes, a fourth grader. Actually, I think he was a year older than I was, but still ... we're talking 9-10 years old? When I think about it today and the numerous times I have remembered that year in school, we seemed so old. I remember it as an adult would. I felt mature.

What happened to me was horrible and no one did anything about it. It makes me wonder how many other kids have and are experiencing the same thing today, by other kids. There are adult predators and I know children are molested far worse every day but NO level of abuse should ever be tolerated or dismissed.

I went to a private school and was one of only a few (literally, like 3) girls in the 4th and 5th grade. All of the boys would goof around with me. We would always play "boy sports" in PE ... like football and I was always invited to boys birthday parties outside of school. Well, one day this boy, "Jacob," grabbed my hand and pulled me into the bushes at recess. He immediately tried to pull my pants down and wrestle me to the ground. I fought him off, but not before he shoved his hands up my shirt and down my pants and groped me.

I didnt run inside and report it to any of the teachers because I was embarrassed. I told my mom that night and the next day my mom and I met with the school principal. Her real name WAS Mrs Johnson and all of the kids totally hated her. She was big and fat and MEAN. She was one of the teachers as well. Whenever you got in trouble either in her class or not, she would be quick to whack the tender underside of your wrists with a ruler repeatedly. Anyway ... When my mother and I met with her she ACTUALLY said that I probably asked for it. She actually said, "well, I see how you interact with the boys and you must have wanted him to do it."

UNBELIEVABLE. It's no wonder the school closed down the following year. While the education, I must admit, was superior to that of the public school I attended before ... I am sure that what happened to me that year crushed me psychologically. Jacob was asked to leave me alone for the remainder of the year but he didn't. He never got that close again, but he continued to write me notes and give me gifts. They were not hateful notes or gifts ... he "loved" me.

What he did (and/or what the principal didn't do) really damaged me. Here's where the familiar smell comes in. For years, I kept a little gold perfume box that he gave me for christmas that year. A beautiful little 1" x 2" gold box with a blue enameled lid. I'd never seen anything so beautiful. He handed it to me just before we went on stage to perform our school concert. I seriously kept that box for decades. I think I just threw it out (or maybe just lost it) about three years ago. WHY did I keep it? I kept a gift from someone that hurt me.

In 8th grade, I was at an after school skate party. I hadn't seen Jacob for years and he didn't live in my neighborhood so I was stunned to see him there. I felt like the blood rushed out of my body. I felt sick and faint. I tried to avoid him but he saw me and instantly started yelling my name. He skated right up to me, looked me in the face and said "Shannon, it's me, Jacob." and I just shook my head an skated away. Got off the floor and outta the building. None of my friends understood what my problem was that day ... and some would have difficulty understanding my actions in days and years to come.

After my most recent "recall," I watched the movie "Easy A" with my kids. Basically, the mid-teened girl student pretends to have slept with someone and rapidly becomes the school slut. She never did sleep with anyone but everyone thought she did and vicious rumors were spread.

She had a conversation with her very liberal mother about it. Her mother had experienced similar accusations in school ... but she actually WAS a slut. Sleeping with multiple people to cover her own insecurities. More about that later.